I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
