I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
