Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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