Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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