he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
