Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
