Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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