Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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