you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
