Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
