the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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