My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
bring money and cleavage
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
