Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
