i just had sex bonerless
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
