Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
