well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
