So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
