From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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