My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
