i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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