my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
