just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
