I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
