i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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