I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
