You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
