Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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