This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
