last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
