Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm sobbing to NWA
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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