we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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