Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You ate ashes out of my bong
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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