I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You can't motorboat a personality
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
