I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
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