somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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