FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
