i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
