Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
