I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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