after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
