From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
