I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
