his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
