Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
