If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
