I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
