I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
