Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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