I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
