Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
