I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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