god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
