when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
